Chapter 9

Family Identity

            Throughout history teenagers have found their identity not only in their cultures and communities, but also in their families.  Since children lived with their families at least until they reached their teen years, it seemed obvious that they would get much of their identity from that family.  With our modern emphasis on individualism, we tend to downplay family identity, sometimes even thinking that it is unfair to emphasize who our parents and grandparents are.   Such thinking is quite out of line with early Christian thought.

New Testament Times

            The New Testament begins with talking about family identity by giving the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham (Matthew 1).  Most devout Jews of his day could give a genealogy similar to this one about Jesus because their family history was of vital importance.  How many generations can you give in your family?  Can you name your great-grandparents?  How about your great-great-grandparents?  How about your great-great-great grandparents?  Jesus, and most of those living in his day, could name their ancestors for hundreds of years.

            Of course, “Jesus son of David” sounds strange to us.  We usually do not name our children Jesus, but remember that “Jesus” is the same as the Old Testament name “Joshua.”  In addition, rather than saying “son of David,” we would say “David’s son.”  Therefore, the way we might say his name that would be more familiar to us would be “Joshua Davidson.”

            A quick search through an address book results in finding many names ending in “son.”  John’s son is there as Johnson.  Peter’s son is there as Peterson.  Also there are Benson, Jackson, Robertson, Stevenson, Williamson—and the list could go on and on.  In fact, if you would follow Jesus genealogy in Matthew 1, Jesus’ father would have been “Joe Jacobson” (because his father’s name was Jacob).

            As we saw in Chapter 2, the “bar” in “bar mitzvah” meant “son of.” That is, at the age of 13, the young man became a “son of the commandment.”  Wherever you see a name beginning with “Bar,” that means “son of.”  Sometimes this is translated both ways for us, “A blind man, Bartimaeus (that is, the son of Timaeus)” as begging and began to shout, “Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me!” (Mark 10:46-47).  When Jesus was talking to Simon Peter in Matthew 16:17, some translators translate it as “Simon Barjona.”  However, others translate it as “Simon, son of Jonah.”  These passages are filled with references to family identity, whether they are translated as “Bar….” or “son of ….”

            Furthermore, note that the “Bar” does not mean only the son of one’s immediate biological father, but also the son of any ancestors before him.  As we have seen, Jesus was repeatedly referred to as “son of David” (Davidson).  Family identity went much further back than one’s biological father so that “son of” referred to an ancestor centuries before.  As we saw in the first verse of the New Testament, Jesus’ genealogy went back to Abraham.  In Luke 3 it goes back to “…the son of Seth, the son of Adam, the son of God.” 

            Paul wrote, “I am an Israelite myself, a descendent of Abraham, from the tribe of Benjamin” (Romans 11:1).  Every Jew knew at least that he was a son of Abraham, and a son of Isaac, and a son of Jacob, and then which child of Jacob (for Paul it was Benjamin) was his or her ancestor.  Family identity was very important so everyone knew his or her family identity.

USA Years Ago

            The emphasis on family identity continued for centuries.  My grandfather’s generation born in the late nineteenth century was proud of the Koteskey family history.  He and his brothers and sisters talked about the Koteskeys in Bohemia during the fifteenth century being followers of John Huss.  You have probably never heard of John Huss, and perhaps not even of Bohemia.  However, John Huss was greatly influenced by the writings of the fourteenth century English reformer John Wycliffe, whose name most missionary kids have heard at one time or another.  Bohemia was part of what is now the Czech Republic, and statues of Huss abound in Prague.

            Followers of Huss became known as Hussites.  Many of them were driven from Bohemia after Huss was burned at the stake for denying the infallibility of the Pope and asserting the authority of Scripture over the church.  They went to Moravia where they continued to worship God as they saw fit.  You may have never heard of the Moravians, but they were the ones who were singing in the middle of a storm during the eighteenth century when John Wesley was returning to England as a defeated missionary to native Americans.  Wesley was amazed at their peace in the face of death and was greatly influenced by the Moravians in the founding of the Methodist Church.

            As a teenager at the middle of the twentieth century, such oral “family history” seemed quaint to me.  I did not really pay much attention to this part of my identity because I had internalized the individuality so prominent at that time.  However, now I treasure that part of my identity.  What happened to that emphasis on family identity?

USA Today

            No one factor is responsible for the loss of family identity.  Values have changed over the years so that people no longer prize the family as they once did.  Behaviors have changed as well so that people now commonly do things with approval that would have been frowned on a century ago.  Here are some of the changes that have occurred.

• Individuality.  Rather than emphasizing cooperation and the group, US culture now prizes competition and the individual.  Although teams are honored from time to time, most honor goes to the stars on the team.  Many adolescents and other young adults see taking family help as being not as good as accomplishing things on their own.  People want to feel like they accomplished their goals without any help from anyone, especially from their families.
• Divorce.  At the beginning of the twentieth century there were about seven divorces for every 100 marriages in any one given year.  Marriage was seen as a lifetime commitment and those who divorced were frowned on for not having kept that promise to remain “until death do us part.”  Divorce was seen as a failure rather than as a normal part of life.  When divorce occurs, children and adolescents usually lose family identity, especially in a “messy” divorce.
• Remarriage.  Not only do marriages break up, but new ones follow.  The child or adolescent usually remains with the mother after a divorce, so when she remarries the child has a last name different from his or her parents.  If the parents divorce again (and divorce is more common with each remarriage) followed by another remarriage, the adolescents have different last names if not legally adopted.  If legally adopted, the teenager has to change his or her name.  These serial marriages make it difficult to achieve family identity.
• Unmarried couples.  Millions of couples live together without being married so that mother and father have different last names.  What name does the child use?  When the couples stop living together and begin living with someone else, that only adds to the confusion in family identity.
• Unmarried mothers.  Millions of unmarried women have children and do not live with the fathers.  Some continue to live with their own parents while others maintain their own homes.  Adolescents in such situations are unsure of who to identify with, a situation particularly difficult for the male with no father present.
• Mobility.  A century ago people often lived just down the road from their parents and close to other family members.  Although some pioneers left to find better opportunities far away, most people stayed near the family farm or in the same town where extended family lived.  With aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even great-grandparents close by, children and teenagers could hear the family “story” from a variety of relatives.
• Technology.  Changes in work and play have had an impact on family activities.  At the beginning of the twentieth century people lived on the “family farm” where the family worked together keeping weeds out of their crops or caring for their animals.  By the end of the twentieth century most land was being farmed by corporations with the work being done by machines with little interaction among family members.

What can adolescent TCKs do?

            Of course, many other factors also have contributed to the loss of family identity.  Given that family identity is no longer what it used to be, the question is what can adolescents do.  Following is a list of some things people have tried with success.  Of course, no one would want to do all of these, but your family may enjoy trying some of them.

• Have a family night together once a week where you do something everyone enjoys, such as playing a favorite game.
• Make a family photo album, scrapbook, or video together and keep adding to it on a regular basis.
• Get online and research your family history, something easily done from anywhere in the world.
• Take family vacations together doing something everyone likes.
• Develop family traditions that you all enjoy.
• Attend family reunions when you are in your passport country.
• Have family devotions together.
• Ask your grandparents about the history of the family.
• Make it a point for everyone to be home for at least one meal a day as a family.
• Have a family week with no TV or videos in the evening.
• Stay with extended family when in your passport country.
• Research the origin of your family name.
• Do something special as a family on special occasions such as birthdays, such as going out to eat, visiting a favorite place, etc.
• Visit the places where your parents grew up and talk to their old friends and neighbors.
• Write your grandparents at least monthly while out of your passport country.
• Take family outings frequently to visit places in which you are interested or do activities you all like to do.
• Have a family council where you all meet at least once a month to make decisions about what you do as a family.
• Sit as a family in church at least one service on Sunday and then with your friends at other services.
• Laugh together about family jokes—“Where’s the prairie dog town?” brings howls of laughter in our home.
• If you are a child of divorce, learn about both sides of your families.