· Carry out every detail of the plan you have proposed to see that the offensive behavior will not be repeated.
· Be completely accountable as you have proposed.
· If you do engage in some wrong action, apologize immediately and sincerely.
· Always keep your word on other things.
· Be completely and consistently trustworthy in all dealings with others.
· Trust others yourself.
· Be openly and consistently cooperative.
John Mark had deserted the first missionary team to take the gospel to other cultures. Although his uncle Barnabas wanted to take his nephew when the team went back for a second term, Paul had not yet reconciled with Mark and would not take Mark on his team. However, forgiveness and reconciliation came later as indicated by Paul saying, “Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry” (2 Timothy 4:11).
What if the person refuses? Sometimes the person refuses, as was the case with Samuel and Saul in 1 Samuel 15. Although Saul’s repentance (“I have sinned….Now I beg you, forgive my sin.…” vs. 24-25) sounds sincere, it came only after two denials in which he blamed the soldiers (vs. 13-15; 20-21). After that incident, Samuel never went to see Saul again (v. 35). Some offenses are so serious, and some requests for forgiveness are so insincere, that the process stops and never begins again.
Whether the process continues depends on such things as the seriousness and duration of the offense. For example, it is much easier to reconcile after an argument over forgetting a spouse at the store than it is over adultery. Likewise it is easier (though still very difficult) to forgive a spouse over a single act of adultery on impulse than over a long affair with “a friend.”
Sometimes the process ends because the other person simply refuses. Such a refusal may be temporary, or it may be permanent. All that God asks of people is that they sincerely repent, enlist the aid of a mediator, and try everything they know to do. Reconciliation takes two people, and the other person may continue to refuse. Paul, that early missionary, put it so well in the last half of Romans 12. He said, “Be devoted to one another (v. 10)…. Live in harmony with one another (v. 16)…. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (v. 18). The ideal is to be reconciled to everyone, but sometimes individuals have done everything they can do and it still does not happen. God does not hold them responsible for someone else’s refusal to proceed.
More about reconciliation is at http://www.missionarycare.com/brochures/br_reconciliation.htm.
Saying Goodbye
One missionary said, “I am tired of making friendships and then moving all over; to me it is not worth the effort. On furlough I know I am leaving, so why try?”
Another said, “I don’t know how to deal with the changes that surround the arrival and departure of staff members on the field. Especially with short-termers coming and going, it seems like we are always expanding and contracting to include so many different people on our team…. How do we love deeply yet hold lightly?” Here are some answers.
Is this a new problem? No, this problem has been around as long as missionaries have. A look at Paul and his relationships with the people of Ephesus shows us some of the problems with saying goodbye.
Paul was apparently in Ephesus only a short time near the end of this second term. After speaking in the synagogue, Paul left a couple in Ephesus to continue the work. People asked him to spend more time there, but he declined, saying he could come back if it was God’s will (Acts 18:19-21). He and his co-workers there had to say goodbye.
Near the beginning of his third term, Paul again went to Ephesus. After more than two years of evangelism, discipleship, spiritual warfare, and encouragement Paul again said goodbye and left. He traveled to Macedonia with a multinational team of seven others (Acts 19:1-20:1). Again he and the disciples he left there had to say goodbye.
Near the end of his third term, Paul decided not to stop at Ephesus even though he was passing close by because he was in a hurry. However, he did stop a few miles south of Ephesus and sent for the elders of the Ephesian church so that he could meet with them briefly. Then they again had to say goodbye. In this instance we are told more about the nature of the goodbye: They wept, embraced, kissed, grieved, and finally tore themselves away (Acts 20:16-21:1). Saying multiple goodbyes to coworkers is nothing new for missionaries.
Is it getting worse? It is probably no more difficult for each individual, but it may well be that people have to say goodbye more often than they did in Paul’s day. Changes in the last half of the twentieth century have made short-term missions to any part of the world a reality. Before the advent of reasonably priced air travel since 1950, just reaching many mission fields often took several weeks crossing the ocean by ship. Today people can be on any mission field in the world in a matter of hours, a couple days at the most.
One type of short-term mission increasing in recent years is one where a person comes to a field for several months or a year or two to help out generally or to complete a particular project. These people have no intention of staying long-term and are most common among people born since the mid 1960s. In this case there is time to develop a relationship, but the missionaries on the field may be reluctant to do so knowing that the short-term person will soon be gone.
Do we just quit building deep relationships? Some people try to cope by simply becoming detached or “hardened.” By not getting deeply involved with their fellow missionaries they decrease the pain of having to say goodbye. This coping mechanism may reduce the pain of goodbyes, but the person becoming detached, the person who is “rejected,” and the gospel message are all harmed by this.
Jesus commanded us to love each other as he loved us. Loving and being loved are important to both our mental and physical health. When deep relationships are avoided, both parties lose a part of their potential support system. In addition, Jesus pointed out that this was how others would know that we are his disciples. Thus, by not developing these relationships, we make it less likely that people will see Jesus in us (John 13:34-35).
How do we love deeply yet hold lightly? Since saying goodbye is a normal part of life, especially missionary life, we can take steps to minimize the pain.
· Change your perspective. Rather than concentrating on the negative aspects of anticipating parting, it is better to concentrate on the positive aspects of the current relationship. As Tennyson said, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
· Look for people who “click.” When you find people with the same values, same aspirations, same commitment, etc., become close friends even if it seems there is no “future” in the friendship. One couple we met more than a decade ago when visiting a field are still good friends. We have become one of their supporters, visited them on the field again, made contact at conferences, had them in our home while on home assignment. We have spent hours talking and sharing deeply.
· Become intimate sooner. Third culture kids of all types (missionary, military, etc.) become experts at this. When they meet each other and realize their common background, they begin to share at a deeper level much sooner than those raised in a single culture. With practice, anyone can develop this capacity.
· Communicate while apart. This has always been possible, but is much easier with the invention of e-mail in recent years. However, e-mail is a mixed blessing.
· On the positive side, friendships can be continued at virtually no financial cost even when people are far apart. (In fact, relationships can be initiated without ever meeting personally, and that may become a problem.)
· On the negative side, some people become so busy keeping old friendships alive that they fail to make new ones. Some missionaries communicate via e-mail daily with old friends, but spend little time with the people living near them currently. Thus, they fail to continue to make new friends.
· Grieve your losses. It is all right (even necessary) to do all the things Paul and the elders from Ephesus did:
· Wept
· Embraced
· Kissed
· Tore away
· Pick up where you leave off. After you become good friends, you can pick up your friendship where it was when you parted. You still have the same values, aspirations, concerns, etc., so all you need to do is get an update on what you have been doing, and your relationship continues from there.
· Remember that relationships give hope. At creation God built parting into the family. When a young man and young woman grow up, they leave their father and mother and cleave to each other (Genesis 2). Most people do not refuse to have children because their children mature and leave; they look forward to reuniting with their children both here on earth and in heaven. We also look forward to reuniting with other loved ones in heaven.
More about saying goodbye is at http://www.missionarycare.com/brochures/br_sayinggoodbye.htm.
Conclusion
This chapter completes the major topics in general psychology as the book has ranged from the biological aspects of human beings to the sociological aspects. People live not only in the physical world around them but also in the social world of other individuals and groups around them. This chapter has considered how people influence each other as well as their relationships with each other, especially conflict.
The chapter ended with something missionaries do often, say goodbye. Some goodbyes are “forever,” and some are for only a short time. However, all are difficult. Even ending a book is a kind of goodbye. The good news is that books can be valuable resources that a reader can return to time and time again. That is our prayer for this book.